Monday, January 4, 2010


GOLAN: Let's talk SHERLOCK HOLMES. Want me to start?

BRIAN: I have nothing to say about SHERLOCK, other than I can't wait to see Jackie Chan as Moriarty in the sequel.

GOLAN: I just don't quite recall Sherlock being a ninja or part of a gay couple with Watson. I also don't recall the books ever putting me to sleep. But I do recall Guy Ritchie overcompensating like crazy. Also, and maybe I'm wrong, didn't Sherlock sometimes have an actual mystery to solve? Oh well. At least Jude Law was finally cast perfectly for the first time since RIPLEY.

BRIAN: I could buy Sherlock as a ninja. Well, not really, but for what it is (and I believe the story goes like this: Joel Silver wanted to buy another house, so he combined two things that could make this happen -- a franchise and some action scenes. And bam! The LEGEND of Joel Silver. That's why he's a genius. Fuck you, that's his name!), it was sort of believable that Sherlock would develop his karate skills to go along with his intellect. If you'll remember from the stories, his major ailment was boredom with the everydayness of life (thus, his hilarious coke habit), so it makes sense for him to isolate himself with activities and experiments and boxing for the sport of it (that scene is when it clicked for me). Plus, his P.E. teacher probably told him that exercise gets the juices flowing and translates into brain power. Thanks, Mr. Brown!

GOLAN: Cut to: Interior - Silver Pictures Offices - Day

"Hey! You know what name people recognize? Sherlock Holmes!"

"But boss, with CSI and House on TV, who's going to care about yet another guy that is really observant?"

"Good point. Okay, here's what we're going to do. We'll keep the name, get rid of everything that is actually related in any way shape or form to the character, and make him into Neo from THE MATRIX. After all, that's my biggest hit yet!"

"Won't people be mad if we screw up a classic character like Sherlock Holmes?"

"Hmmm, you might be right. Okay, add Watson into the mix, but make the two of them bicker like the characters from KISS KISS BANG BANG, even though that is not at all how they interacted with one another in the stories. That should help. Oh, and make Holmes an alcoholic."

"But boss, Holmes wasn't an alcoholic - he was a cocaine and morphine addict!"

"That's far too much for an audience to handle! Liquor is plenty. Plus, it's funnier than drug addiction. They'll get the point. Anything we're leaving out?"

"A love interest?"

"True! Okay, there's one line from one of the original stories in which a girl is mentioned. Use her!"

"Sweet! We can miscast a big name actress to draw in the weepy hearts that loved THE TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE!"

"Done and done! Now, have Guy Ritchie direct and we're golden!"

"Whoa whoa whoa... when Bruckheimer made PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN, using the same basic logic as you're using now, he at least had the good sense to get Gore Verbinski to direct. Why would we put this potentially huge franchise in the hands of a filmmaker that has made only one good movie over ten years ago?"

"Because he has no career right now, he owes me because I let him make ROCKnROLLA, and I can control him!"

"That's a convincing argument, but I'm still not convinced. At least PIRATES had Johnny Depp."

"So we'll get that other respected actor that recently went mainstream, Robert Downey, Jr.!"

"Oh, come on... he'll never agree to do this movie. He's got self-respect, after all."

"He will when my head of production, who also happens to be his wife, asks him to!"


And... cut.

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