Sunday, March 7, 2010

Word Vomit About The Oscars (our scattershot version of live blogging)

GOLAN: So far, we're one out of one!  Suck it, America!

BRIAN: ....Because America was expecting Woody Harrelson?  We're keeping track of our predictions point total here.  But also, I'm keeping count of how many times someone at this viewing party comments on the length of the telecast.  Hilarity.  So far I've heard 4.

GOLANWow, Christoph Waltz just told the longest metaphor ever.  Yawn.  And that's two for two.  Sadly, it's the two that everyone else got, too.  On the bright side, we also hit #3.  So far, perfect score.

Also on the bright side, when Ryan Bingham said to his wife, "I love you more than rainbows," the next comment from one of our houseguests was, "Oh, that guy cheats on her.  No faithful man says shit like that."  Awesome.  Best line of the Oscars so far.  Certainly better than anything uttered by Steve Martin or Alec Baldwin.

Commercial time.

While we're waiting, what do you think of the format and the hosts so far?

BRIAN: Meh.  Nothing new.  Great party.  I love your friends.

GOLAN: But you're being quiet.  Oh, you meant... Oh, that's funny!  I don't know those people.

Wow.  Molly Ringwald can't blink.  That's a shame.  Is that botox?  So we're batting 1000%.

I'm confused.  Is this John Hughes thing part of the In Memoriam thingy?  Or is the Academy saying that he is more important than the other dead people?  Whoa, Farrah Fawcett died?

BRIAN: I love the John Hughes montage.  Real good and moving.  And kind of an Academy mea culpa for never recognizing him, right?

GOLAN: So you agree with this?  Wouldn't that be similar to picking and choosing our favorite dead people and doing montages and speeches just for them?  That could take forever.  The John Hughes thing, as much as I love him, belongs in a TV special, not part of the Oscars that we are trying to make shorter.

Now for the bad news: we're three down.  We lost three awards.  Best short animated thing and best short documentary thing and best short live action thing.  This is where you people can pull ahead of us.  The awards that we literally did no research on, nor give much of a shit about.

Why do we still love Ben Stiller again?  Did he whiten his teeth for this?  Man, I hate that guy.

BRIAN: The Oscars is a TV special, silly.  They should start burying movie stars during the Oscars.  It would help society cope with death, I feel like.

GOLAN: Wow!  PRECIOUS just won the Adapted Screenplay Oscar.  That is ridiculous.  The professor's speech was better than his script.  Ugh to say the least.  And we missed another one.

Sadder still, the phrase, "Academy Award winner Robin Williams."  I just got really depressed.

Sadder still, that means that the powers that be selected Robin Williams to stand in for Heath Ledger.

Fuck me, this ceremony sucks.

BRIAN: I like how they're doing the clips for acting categories a lot.  Nice to give the performances more context.  Judi Dench would have had her entire performance from SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE screened before she won.

GOLAN: So, to recap, what's the tally?

BRIAN: I don't know.  So, hey, they're explaining what the sound categories are all about.  Do you think as the Academy is watching this, they're...

GOLAN: Did you just fall asleep?  So did everyone else.  And now they're introducing their musical people.  Is this supposed to prove that gay guys made this ceremony?  We get it!  Musical numbers, Neil Patrick Harris, a little too much costume love...

Then there's this weird PARANORMAL ACTIVITY parody, that's been done to death.  Why not do a BLAIR WITCH parody now?  It would be just as topical.

And then a tribute to horror movies.  You know that genre, right?  It's the one that has never been nominated for an Oscar.  So appropriate.

Morgan Freeman is now explaining something about sound and THE DARK KNIGHT.  I'll admit that Freeman's voice makes things sound more interesting, but this is still boooooooring.  The best sound trick in DARK KNIGHT was making Christian Bale sound like Dizzy Gillespie.

BRIAN: Kristen Stewart's hot even when she turns her head to cough in front of a billion viewers.  Man, I wish I was backstage with a cough drop right now.  But maybe I don't deserve her...

GOLAN: Best cinematography goes to a blue screen!  Well done, Academy.

BRIAN: OMG, they didn't show Farrah Fawcett in the In Memoriam!  And now they're doing a tribute to STEP UP.  Weird.

GOLAN: A bunch of awards have gone by.  We ate pizza.  The pizza was more interesting than the ceremony, so we lost focus.

Here's my catch-up... Keanu Reeves is presenting something about THE HURT LOCKER!  I can't believe I called that.  Jesus.  I was kidding, and the Academy thought they were being clever.  Yikes.

Now Quentin is making weird voices.  Oooooookay.

And now THE WHITE RIBBON is losing Best Foreign Film!  What?  I haven't seen the Argentinian flick, but how did Haneke not take it?  Weird.  Well, I guess if they couldn't give it to Germany, they compromised and gave it to the German hiding place.

BRIAN: History jokes.  Giving our readers what they want.  Jeff Bridges, wrap it up.  Prepare something if you're a fucking lock, loser.

GOLAN: Wow, man.  You're angry tonight.  I mean, I understand.  This Oscar ceremony may be the most boring on record.  I couldn't give less of a shit anymore.  It's running way long, and we still have Best Actress, Best Director and Best Picture to go.  And Oprah is talking and talking and talking.  How come she prepared a long speech and Colin Farrell ad-libbed a joke about getting gonorrhea in Mexico?

BRIAN: Sandra Bullock calls her mom by her first name?  I like the Best Director introduction: Will the first woman director win?  Will the first black person ever win Best Director?  Or will the White Man prevail yet again?

GOLAN: It's like the election all over again!  Yes, that's right.  An election joke!  Topical!  Beyond that, my favorite moment of the Oscars so far was when Barbra Streisand said, "The time has come!" but didn't specify if it was the "time" for a black man or a woman, and Lee Daniels started to lean forward.

Finally, THE HURT LOCKER wins Best Picture.  At least AVATAR didn't win Best Picture.  I'm happy.  So?  Were you as bored as I was?

BRIAN: It's reflected in how uninspired this blog post is.

1 comment:

  1. I think I had a rather enjoyable Oscar experience by not watching the ceremony and instead reading your "predictions" post & this one.